This is just one of those nights

When I have to write a ridiculous amount of crap just to get it out of my head..I need to wash my face, I need to lose weight, I need to pass my exams, I need to get to 6th form, I need to stop fucking my life up, I need to stop bleeding, I need to get better at writing, I need to read more, I need to open my windows, I need to open my eyes, I need to wear factor 60 suncream, I need to travel, I need to be open and passionate and everything I can be, I need to stop bearing grudges, I need to let go, I need to be strong, I need to work on my insecurity, I need to get over my addiction to myspace, I need to quit smoking, I need to take up a hobby, I need to get a job, I need to get some a levels, I need to get some ambition, I need to control the wayward thoughts, I need to stop being so morbid, I need to get a grip, I need to aplogise, I need to call my oldest friend and tell her I still love her like a sister, I need to help the homeless, I need to earn money so I can give it to charity, I need to be cool, I need to have sex, I need to feel, I need to sleep more, I need to watch more sunrises, I need to watch more sunsets, I need to find hope, I need to understand myself, I need to understand everyone else, I need to stop being so shallow, I need to feel comfortable with myself, I need to feel comfortable in summer winter spring AND autumn, I need to help you out, I need to forget, I need to forgive, I need to not regret, I need to stick to it, I need to stop running away...but most of all, I need to learn how to fucking live.

And then at other times

I realise this is ridiculous, someone who knows me will find this blog eventually and it won't be my personal release anymore. It won't be my account of everyday because it will be influenced by something other than just me.

I like the fact that there are pretty girls all over the world that are awake and online right now, while I'm sitting here with bags under my eyes and waiting for sleep. I like knowing that while we're in darkness, the other half of the world is in bright light. enduring bright light. this morning I was woken up by someone shining a 100 watt lightbulb in my face. obviously, it wasn't just the lightbulb, it was screwed into a lamp but that's beside the point. The place where there is no darkness double meanings. I spent too long considering that this morning. I always say I prefer night because I do; but I couldn't bear it eternally. I don't really know why I try to explain the hidden sides of me to people who know me well enough already. I guess that doesn't satisfy me. There are some friends I just need to know me like the back of their hands, so that one day they can look back on the good times and know they had a friendship that was real and true. I need sleep define need.

'Cause I've got this fixation you see...

and sometimes I cant help but let it take a total hold on me
it's like an angry demon I thought I'd driven out years ago
I can't rhyme and I can't sound like you
but I can lean my body over the edge and stick two fingers down my throat like there's no tomorrow.
I'm glad I can keep this secret from people who know me
and yet set it free with people who don't.
The problem is, I can see how much I could be if I wasn't like this
not something else, just something smaller.
maybe I could actually stand out..
I don't need to because I have the most amazing soulmate in the world...but it's not about that.
It's about me and my comfort in my own skin.

sometimes I feel like I'm crawling and itching to get out.
at other times I love it.


I guess it's all relative; it's all about perception.

It's kinda like

the quietest rage building up inside you.

on the other hand, I'm so in love with him this morning.

Late Night Revelations.

At the moment I can feel something significant changing inside of me. It's growing and blossoming slowly, and I can feel it stronger everyday...I am becoming less and less scared of tomorrow, and more at peace with yesterday. I'm finding myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know it will come in it's own time. The foundings of my spirit and my whole being are slowly but steadily building, everything I experience is being plucked out of the universe as I tackle it, and emerging from my own mind at the same time. Like I've been through it all before, seen it all before and forgotten it everywhere except my subconscious. Sometimes I experience and think things I can't really understand, but I'm learning to question them and explore them in my solitude. I have alot of time to think, and when I think I'm never bored. Every night when I lie in bed I write my own philosophy, question my life and try to understand why things just happen in the way they do, why people act the way they do. I don't expect you to understand this, but I would love for you to relate. There is so much more beneath the surface...I polish my aesthetic because it makes me feel secure, but I know there's something more than that. I'm trying to give my absolute whole self to everything I do, and be calmer when I know I can't. Accepting our own faults will always be one of the hardest things we always need to get around to. I get impatient when people try to rush me; sometimes I wish they'd just let me be. If I could be the perfect Sophie I would be calm at all times, but overthrown with emotion and passion when I feel it. I'm trying to over-come my self-repressive tendencies. I've been through hard times, and am tormented by painful truths about my family and myself constantly. But I'm lucky - so far I've come out the other side. Not merely enduring; but prevailing. Less wallowing in your own insecurities and more excitement about what you can create for your tomorrow. I know that if I want something enough, I can usually get it by applying my focus, strength and experience. I want to throw myself down the rabbit hole head first with open eyes. I am far from perfection; but that is not what I am aiming for.

I hope I'll be able to commit to this.

"There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die. Who knows? If there is in fact, a heaven and a hell, all we know for sure is that hell will be a visciously overcrowded version of Phoenix.. a clean well lighted place full of sunshine and bromides and fast cars where almost everybody seems vaguely happy, except those who know in their hearts what is missing... And being driven slowly and quietly into the kind of terminal craziness that comes with finally understanding that the one thing you want is not there. Missing. Back-ordered. No tengo. Vaya con dios. Grow up! Small is better. Take what you can get...."

Starting a blog for my own pleasure...I've spent years contently on myspace but I've decided to branch off and create something less about the image and more about everything else. Plus I need some kind of new outlet...I don't like first posts so I'll leave it at this and just jump straight in with my next post.


alis volat propris

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